Love, Ego and Fears

And here i'am sitting in the beach, smoking,crying and feelin guilt to my self. I've just saying good bye to somebody i'm falling in love with without having the gut to say that i'm madly in love with him. I might be have no other chance to see him again, and this is the chance for me to say it,and i skipped it. What a coward!

Dammit, i've just realized that to fall in love you need to be fearless. To confront your own ego,fears and expectation. And i dont brave enough to do that.

Yet again, i'm tryin to defence myself and make a logic excuse for what i did'nt do. I will feel ugly to be one of the girls in his list. I dont want to be the girl who chase after him. Why should i be that girl while i can make others guys chase on me?

Or maybe i just dont want to face the truth that to him it was just a casual sex while for me it's more than just sex. I dont want to deal with any rejection and excuse.

Or maybe i just dont want to make it complicated for him knowing that he seeks for sex not love in his travel mission.

Or maybe i prefer to have a broken heart at the moment when things seems perfect instead of dying in a broken heart after a periode of time when things dont work well,it cost more time and energy.

Last week a friend of mine told me not to fall in love, once i fall i fallen too hard that leads me to painful periode. I do understand, she told me this coz she knew my history. But its hurtful when she think that to me it just the part of sexual exploration. That im searchin only for sex, and somehow there will be another guys on my exploration as i will define it as fallin in love again.

Dammit, its so not true. I'm very sexual but it doesnt mean that im not capable to love to stick with one partner.

I've been livin like a slut, i'm practice very well how not to mix sex and heart, how to follow the mind and strict to the rules for my own safety and security. I did bad things and manipulate guys due to sex and pleasure.

But the more i play this game, the more sensitized my self to identify the fake and the real. When im good in faking orgasm then im good in enjoying the real one. Once you play the game then you know when others plays the same game.

Dammit, i'm just tryin to say that this time i dont want to let go this guy, i dont want to let go the warm feeling, i dont want to let go the hugs, kisses and laugh. I dont want to let go the lazy time, the dinner,the calls, the inner-child in me and him.

I want to come home and being as spoiled as a little girl. I want somebody to rub my back and reminds me to brush my teeth before bedtime. I want to be myself with somebody. maybe i'm too exciting to feel the jealousy in me which is unusual to me. maybe i love the way he makes me swinging from one to another state of emotions.

Am i too much?

Dammit, i wish i have the gut to say 'I LOVE YOU'

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